Electric 'slide'n'tilt' sunroof? Never used it. Not even once. Television? Didn't even know it had one till the kids found it; I've used it once since, when stuck in a particularly life-draining traffic jam. Rain-sensing wipers? Patently ludicrous. Dark-sensing lights? Curiously, slightly more useful, but then they don't smear all the bugs on the screen into impenetrable crud every time a passing cuckoo clears its throat. Heated seats? If they're not toasty until ten minutes after I place my behind on them, what's the point? Parking sensors? More useful than I'd imagined, though this has a lot to do with the fact that all the car parks in Cambridge are bunged-up with stupidly big SUVs that don't fit the bays. Fixed cell-phone with voice activation? Too much of a fag to swap my SIM card over for anything but the longest journeys. Satnav? Useful but far from infallible - it once got completely flummoxed in north London, went quiet for five minutes, then led me back to the place I'd started from. Via the congestion zone, I later discovered.

Adaptive cruise control? It costs a hefty ΂£1300 and uses a radar to scan the lane ahead and automatically slows the car if it spots traffic. It works, too; in fact it works so well it'll even slam the brakes on for you if someone pulls straight out into your lane. I can't help thinking, however, that scanning the road ahead for potential hazards is what the driver should be doing. Perhaps I'm just old-fashioned... Fortunately, among the Jaguar's many fine features are a fiercely efficient (though lately occasionally whiffy) air-con, and an excellent 'Premium Sound' hi-fi. With Long Wave, naturally.