'James Bond needs to drive a Subaru Outback. No more brash, crass Astons'

Slight spoiler alert: the ending of the last James Bond movie was not entirely good news for James Bond. And this, I think, leaves a fascinating problem for the makers of the James Bond movies because they seem, I’m pretty certain, to have written themselves into an awkward corner. A few months ago I was at an unrelated Q&A with the writer John Hodge, long-time Danny Boyle collaborator and the original screenwriter on the last film, who left the project around the time Boyle ceased to be its director, and I couldn’t resist asking him how he’d solve the problem of bringing back James Bond, given what happened with James Bond in the closing scene of the last James Bond picture. ‘Brazenly,’ he replied. A good answer, I thought.

I’m sure the producers of the James Bond franchise are wrestling with this as we speak, unless they’re too busy trying to find a new actor to play James Bond since Daniel Craig has decided to stop giving the impression that playing James Bond is a massive pain in the arse by electing to stop playing James Bond. What I’m hoping, however, is that in between working out how to bring back James Bond and who to play James Bond when the return of James Bond happens, the producers of the James Bond franchise are also giving some very serious thought to something just as important for future James Bond: what car does James Bond drive?

For the last few years James Bond has been back in Aston Martins. I don’t know if you’re aware of this because Aston Martin never mentions it apart from all the sodding time. In the last movie they had James Bond in such a fleet of Aston Martins it was amazing not to encounter a scene where he was wearing an Aston Martin Owners’ Club hat. It would have made for a far more realistic depiction of someone who owns several old Aston Martins, likes shooting at stuff, and has a drink problem.

But then realism is not a well-used cog in the James Bond mechanism. If it were, James Bond the secret agent – guys, read that first word again, perhaps even say it out loud – would not roar about the place in an Aston bloody Martin. ‘Oh look,’ all the baddies say, ‘here comes that British spy man who is called James Bond, and I know this because he always introduces himself as such in a slightly weird way, and I can hear him coming and therefore prepare myself to shoot him in the face and head, if only I wasn’t so attached to tying him to a chair and then delivering some lengthy exposition before discovering with fury that he has somehow escaped. Etcetera etcetera.’

So here’s my pitch to the James Bond people: ditch the Astons. And, dear God, don’t go back to the BMWs. Not unless James Bond rocks up to the bad guy’s lair in an XM, thereby disabling them with a protracted attack of vomiting. No, as James Bond undergoes a necessary reset, let’s go back to first principles. When it comes down to it, James Bond is the quintessential understated Englishman (who’s been played by a Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and Bob Holness, who was South African). He’s meant to have fine taste and a certain quiet sophistication. He’s tough, but he doesn’t make a big show of it. He’s dependable and loyal but his methods are sometimes a little unconventional. He can take a real beating and he won’t make a fuss. He looks absolutely at home around the most stately of stately homes or the grandest of opera houses yet he could blend in effortlessly in almost any environment. And this is what new James Bond needs from his car. Which is why new James Bond needs to drive a Subaru Outback.

No more brash, crass Aston-ing, just low-key and workmanlike stealth with reasonable performance for doing a chase and a decently smooth ride in case he needs to shoot at someone while driving. Also, James Bond once went to Japan in that film he did where he seemed to have a high old time and got to drive a Toyota 2000GT, so he definitely likes Japanese things.

I’m convinced it’s time for Britain’s best-known secret agent to stop showing off, stop introducing himself with his real name like a big silly clot, stop drinking on the job which is definitely not professional even before you get to the state of his expenses claims, and stop brazenly ripping about the place in an extremely attention-seeking coupe. As James Bond braces for a reboot, it’s time for him to go truly undercover and the Subaru Outback is the car for the job. I hope the producers of the James Bond series of James Bond films are listening and take on board my advice about James Bond. Just as soon as they’ve worked out how to make James Bond unexploded.